It's been a while since posting on here, and it
is with a heavy heart that I must update my blog with a not-so-happy post. You
see, since moving to Vegas, I have undergone a significant culture shock. As
any rational human being would assume, moving from one place to another can do
that you. I was born and raised in a suburb community ten minutes from the
beach. My weekends were spent playing video games, body surfing and nerding out
to the latest fandom I was obsessed with. I was always surrounded by people
like me: same schedules, same beliefs, same rather sheltered existence.
I
must state here that when I say "sheltered," I refer to the
environment itself, not necessarily in regards to family life; I have seen much
in terms of negativity growing up.
Las Vegas is devoid of any beach
influenced suburb. It is a city settled upon a mostly flat slab of dirt,
encompassed in a crescent shape of dirt hills. The city is the only thing one
can see under the glare of a wicked hot desert sun, like an oasis to the
wandering soul. But no matter how lost one is while wandering through the
desert, one is never as truly lost as when one finds himself on the threshold
of Sin City.
Many
people feared for me when I made the decision to relocate here, that I, too,
would be a lost soul found in the clutches of the city. There is no shelter
here. Every freeway offers a phone number to a moment of bliss; signs instruct
on where the cheapest plastic can be purchased; and the evolution of a city
bent on becoming more family friendly is merely a theory hazed over by sand and
rock.
I
have met many people here. They are friendly and welcoming and different. I
treasure every relationship I have formed because with these I can learn and
grow from our differences and come to understand myself a bit more. I am trying
to, anyway, instead of being locked into a constant state of culture shock. But
it's hard to accept things as they are at times when I've grown up in an entirely
different atmosphere. I was never sold sex back home. I have never felt so
intimated by billboard-sized women in my entire life. Unfortunately, a small
piece of my confidence was lost along the way and has been replaced by a
sadness for the world I never thought I'd experience. Maybe this is why I was
led here, to show myself where I really stand on the scope of things. Of
everything I have witnessed thus far, I can honestly say I have a top three
list of things I hate. Now, I realize that the word "hate" is
incredibly strong, but with the constant spoon feeding of these three down my
throat in an alarming motion, it is very hard not to want to throw up these
contents.
Number
One: Porn.
I've
always been irked out by the idea of porn but it's never been something that
has been so easily accessible to my naked eye until I moved to Las Vegas. You
may completely disagree with me on this (and with everything you read on here)
but my feelings about porn go a little something like this: porn reduces girls
like me to hopeless pieces of meat. I will never look like a porn star. I will
never be able to perform in bed like one. I think the idea of knowing that
somewhere in the subconsciousness of our men's minds they are thinking
about someone else to get off on or even worse, as they are "making
love" to us is heartbreaking. Porn makes me feel wildly ugly and like I
will never be enough for somebody. It casts an unreachable expectation on we
girls that are average. The sad part is that it is everywhere; I see ads for it
and trucks pulling billboards with naked girls plastered to them. I cannot seem
to escape from the fact that sex sells. It really does sell. This in turn leads
me to the terrible truth that the value of sex has become just that; it is what
it is, sex, in a casual, forgettable form. This breaks my heart the most
because I believe that this act is one the purest, most sincere forms of
sealing yourself to another forever. Somewhere along the road, though, it has
become nothing more than the value of a handshake and as memorable as last
night's trip to get take out.
Number
Two: Drugs.
I'm
not going to go into too many details about this section because I don't want
to use any names, nor to I want to divulge to the world any confidences of my
private life (and I am not insinuating that I am a user or have tried), but I
really hate drugs. I really hate marijuana. I have always disliked these things
because of what has happened to my family over them, but up until recently, my
hatred for the substances has returned full force as I currently sit on the
threshold of destruction of a person I used to know; someone who is
well on her way to losing her children, family and life. Right now, I could
sock her in the face if I saw her, but I can't. The only thing I can say is
that drugs destroyed this woman who has so much potential, a potential she will
never fully realize until she finds the strength to fix herself.
Number
Three: Cheating.
Cheating
and porn hold pinky fingers at this point, as I consider porn a form of
cheating. You may be aghast at this, but I firmed believe in Matthew 5:28: But
I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed
adultery with her in his heart. If you couldn't tell, I am a Christian, and
whether or not you are, that is how I feel. I am so terrified by the act of
cheating that I know I've developed a complex against men. My brain dwells on
the "what ifs" constantly that sometimes I think I'm going insane or
am not meant to be in a relationship. While I have never actually been cheated on, I have experienced
the act because of my family. I seen many marriages ruined because of infidelity,
and again, I am saddened because this city glorifies the motto of "what
happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Call me old fashioned or weird or even
close minded, but when it comes to cheating, I have no tolerance. I don't think
I could forgive somebody for cheating on me. I would rather be alone for the
rest of my life than be reduced to a fool led on by another as he gives himself
to someone else. I believe that you can fall out of love with the one you're
with and desire to be with someone else; I get that, that's fine. But would it
be so hard to grow a pair and tell your partner that you don't love them
anymore? Then pursuing someone else would be okay. I would be sad hearing that
piece of news, but I would also feel like a human being worth something if my
partner was honest with me from the beginning of the end.
*Sigh*
So this is my rant for the morning. I hate to disrupt such a happy flow of
postings, but these are all things that have really been torturing my mind as
of late. I am thankful for their presence in my life at this point solely for
the reason that because of my introduction to these topics I am able to learn
exactly where I stand on these issues. I know now that these are things I can
never tolerate; they are a plague in my body and a thorn in my mind. These are
things that I can live without and not have a second thought about them because
for me they produce nothing good, and I intend to fill my life with only the
best.
~Rae
