hater.

It's been a while since posting on here, and it is with a heavy heart that I must update my blog with a not-so-happy post. You see, since moving to Vegas, I have undergone a significant culture shock. As any rational human being would assume, moving from one place to another can do that you. I was born and raised in a suburb community ten minutes from the beach. My weekends were spent playing video games, body surfing and nerding out to the latest fandom I was obsessed with. I was always surrounded by people like me: same schedules, same beliefs, same rather sheltered existence. 

I must state here that when I say "sheltered," I refer to the environment itself, not necessarily in regards to family life; I have seen much in terms of negativity growing up. 

Las Vegas is devoid of any beach influenced suburb. It is a city settled upon a mostly flat slab of dirt, encompassed in a crescent shape of dirt hills. The city is the only thing one can see under the glare of a wicked hot desert sun, like an oasis to the wandering soul. But no matter how lost one is while wandering through the desert, one is never as truly lost as when one finds himself on the threshold of Sin City. 

Many people feared for me when I made the decision to relocate here, that I, too, would be a lost soul found in the clutches of the city. There is no shelter here. Every freeway offers a phone number to a moment of bliss; signs instruct on where the cheapest plastic can be purchased; and the evolution of a city bent on becoming more family friendly is merely a theory hazed over by sand and rock. 

I have met many people here. They are friendly and welcoming and different. I treasure every relationship I have formed because with these I can learn and grow from our differences and come to understand myself a bit more. I am trying to, anyway, instead of being locked into a constant state of culture shock. But it's hard to accept things as they are at times when I've grown up in an entirely different atmosphere. I was never sold sex back home. I have never felt so intimated by billboard-sized women in my entire life. Unfortunately, a small piece of my confidence was lost along the way and has been replaced by a sadness for the world I never thought I'd experience. Maybe this is why I was led here, to show myself where I really stand on the scope of things. Of everything I have witnessed thus far, I can honestly say I have a top three list of things I hate. Now, I realize that the word "hate" is incredibly strong, but with the constant spoon feeding of these three down my throat in an alarming motion, it is very hard not to want to throw up these contents.

Number One: Porn.

I've always been irked out by the idea of porn but it's never been something that has been so easily accessible to my naked eye until I moved to Las Vegas. You may completely disagree with me on this (and with everything you read on here) but my feelings about porn go a little something like this: porn reduces girls like me to hopeless pieces of meat. I will never look like a porn star. I will never be able to perform in bed like one. I think the idea of knowing that somewhere in the subconsciousness of our men's minds they are thinking about someone else to get off on or even worse, as they are "making love" to us is heartbreaking. Porn makes me feel wildly ugly and like I will never be enough for somebody. It casts an unreachable expectation on we girls that are average. The sad part is that it is everywhere; I see ads for it and trucks pulling billboards with naked girls plastered to them. I cannot seem to escape from the fact that sex sells. It really does sell. This in turn leads me to the terrible truth that the value of sex has become just that; it is what it is, sex, in a casual, forgettable form. This breaks my heart the most because I believe that this act is one the purest, most sincere forms of sealing yourself to another forever. Somewhere along the road, though, it has become nothing more than the value of a handshake and as memorable as last night's trip to get take out. 

Number Two: Drugs.

I'm not going to go into too many details about this section because I don't want to use any names, nor to I want to divulge to the world any confidences of my private life (and I am not insinuating that I am a user or have tried), but I really hate drugs. I really hate marijuana. I have always disliked these things because of what has happened to my family over them, but up until recently, my hatred for the substances has returned full force as I currently sit on the threshold of destruction of a person I used to know; someone who is well on her way to losing her children, family and life. Right now, I could sock her in the face if I saw her, but I can't. The only thing I can say is that drugs destroyed this woman who has so much potential, a potential she will never fully realize until she finds the strength to fix herself.

Number Three: Cheating.

Cheating and porn hold pinky fingers at this point, as I consider porn a form of cheating. You may be aghast at this, but I firmed believe in Matthew 5:28: But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If you couldn't tell, I am a Christian, and whether or not you are, that is how I feel. I am so terrified by the act of cheating that I know I've developed a complex against men. My brain dwells on the "what ifs" constantly that sometimes I think I'm going insane or am not meant to be in a relationship. While I have never actually been cheated on, I have experienced the act because of my family. I seen many marriages ruined because of infidelity, and again, I am saddened because this city glorifies the motto of "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Call me old fashioned or weird or even close minded, but when it comes to cheating, I have no tolerance. I don't think I could forgive somebody for cheating on me. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be reduced to a fool led on by another as he gives himself to someone else. I believe that you can fall out of love with the one you're with and desire to be with someone else; I get that, that's fine. But would it be so hard to grow a pair and tell your partner that you don't love them anymore? Then pursuing someone else would be okay. I would be sad hearing that piece of news, but I would also feel like a human being worth something if my partner was honest with me from the beginning of the end. 

*Sigh* So this is my rant for the morning. I hate to disrupt such a happy flow of postings, but these are all things that have really been torturing my mind as of late. I am thankful for their presence in my life at this point solely for the reason that because of my introduction to these topics I am able to learn exactly where I stand on these issues. I know now that these are things I can never tolerate; they are a plague in my body and a thorn in my mind. These are things that I can live without and not have a second thought about them because for me they produce nothing good, and I intend to fill my life with only the best.

~Rae